Teacher is sooooo sexy…

Today's Thoughts...

So there are many things I love about my job. The wonderful women who coo over me and Elena constantly. The delicious treats, cakes, and goodies they drop on our desks throughout the day. The hilariously awkward and wonderful encounters translating obscure texts and documents into grammatically sound English. For example, a marketing launch aimed at promoting the conversion of human waste into biogas: “Conservation of Energy through Human Biowaste Redistribution at the Domestic Level.” WHAT? Since when did I become an environmental scientist overnight?! This is someone’s life’s work we’re talking about here! But I mean, no pressure, of course. So yes, I love the women at work. But I ADORE the kids in my classes. Okay, when I’m not teaching them things that as a native speaker I don’t even understand why they need to know (like the fact that you read the words “big glasses” as “biglasses” when pronounced naturally). Or when have you EVER tried to explain what the word ‘mean’…well… ‘means’? Why is that more important than how to properly form a sentence? Why do my students need to learn the word suede when they can’t say fabric? Or how to write compound-complex sentences with complements when they can’t read the simple ones? The world will never know.

But the students, ah, the students! So true, sometimes my lessons are a little hit or miss like when I decided in my Greek Mythology class that it’d be a great idea to teach my kids about the concept of fate and what it means when something is ill-fated without explaining that fate can be good as well as bad. For instance, if your dog gets hit by a car and you try to save him but can’t— fate. When two lovers are separated for a long time and then are reunited— fate. Same fate, different situations. Well, neglecting this, I donned my Dear Abby cap and proceeded to respond to 30 some personal entries about how fate had ruined my students’ lives. I’m talking death of pets, family members, suicides of friends, terminal illnesses, flunking out of classes, and failing the citywide entrance exam for state university, thereby forcing their parents to pay for them to go to our school instead. Phew! Talk about a downer or 30. Geez. But just when I think I’m sliding down a slippery slope into the pit of teaching despair (mayday, mayday, teacher going down), there’s a little bit of hope that shines through. Like when one student comes up to me, beaming and explaining that this is the only class in which he blinks and the time has flown because he’s having such a good time in the Antigone trial or the scenes from Prometheus Bound or the Midas debate or whatever. Ah! My heart melts! Of course I don’t dare mention that I’m actually a Spanish major who knows far more about Ferdinand and Isabel than Achilles and Hector. No, they don't need to know that one.

So why is teacher sexy you ask? Sexy, is the ‘it’ word in Thailand. Everything is sexy oh so sexy! (including teacher). So when I walked into my conversation class only to have one of my girls shout—“Oh teacher, you are soooo sexy!”—I had precisely three thoughts: 1) I’m covered in a sticky mixture of chalk dust and salty sweat, none too attractive; 2) college is a period of questioning and discovery, right? so maybe there's something she needs to tell me; and 3) isn’t this called a ‘teaching moment’ for a reason? So I whipped out some chalk and got to writing amidst hysterical giggles and pointing. Sexy is a term used to describe attraction to a person’s physique usually in a sexual way. Hot is the term used to describe the relative attractiveness of a person, regardless of your interest in their particular physique. Teacher is “hot,” I said, or beautiful or pretty or attractive, not sexy. At least if you think she is, you probably shouldn’t be telling her that. More hysterical laughter. Okay, logically moving on-- hook-ups.

Now Elena and I figured it was necessary to teach about hook-ups because the term is thrown about constantly by American college kids, so why no teach it to our Thai pupils? Well, you try explaining the “bases” and levels of touching (your hand, your hair, your face, your…you get the picture) as it pertains to the myriad definitions of “hook-up”. Hey Susie, did you hook up with Sam last night? Yeah and then I couldn’t get rid of him this morning! Hey Susie, did you hook up with Sam last night? Yeah, we made out but it didn’t go too far. Hey Susie… (and so the list goes). Moreover, how do you explain that you can hook-up, that girl was your hook-up, and that guy is your hook-up buddy to kids who think seeing pictures of kissing is scandalous? Hooking up? Whaaaaat? Awkward dance as your desperate teacher draws a flow chart with the word “hook-up” and sketches bearing striking resemblance to scenes from the kama sutra on the board. One student raises his hand: “Teacher, who do YOU hook-up with?”

Okay, guys, so that’s enough hooking-up for today…